How to Address Nanny Misconduct
(Even When You’re Busy, Exhausted, and Just Want Things to Run Smoothly)
Hiring a nanny means inviting someone into your home, into your children’s lives, and into the daily rhythm of your family. When it’s a good match, the peace it brings is hard to describe—meals are prepped, kids are loved, chaos is managed. But what happens when something feels off? When trust is shaken or you’re hearing things from your kids that make you pause?
Misconduct doesn’t always look like something you’d report to authorities (though sometimes it does). More often, it’s subtle: a consistent lack of engagement, repeated lateness, boundary-pushing, or just a gut feeling that your expectations aren't being met.
Here’s how to approach suspected or confirmed nanny misconduct thoughtfully, effectively, and legally.
Step 1: Pause and Reflect
Before confronting or correcting your nanny, take a moment to define what’s bothering you.
Is this a pattern or a one-time event?
Is it something that affects your child’s safety or well-being?
Is it a clear violation of your work agreement, or an issue that needs clarity?
Write down specific examples. For instance:
“She’s been 10–15 minutes late three times this week without texting.”
“I’ve noticed my toddler watching TV during hours we agreed on no screens.”
“My child mentioned the nanny is always on her phone.”
This clarity will help you approach the situation constructively, not emotionally.
Step 2: Check Your Agreement
Your nanny-family contract is your first line of defense. A clear agreement should outline:
Working hours
Discipline and screen time policies
Cell phone use
Job responsibilities
Expectations for communication and professionalism
If what’s happening clearly contradicts what’s in writing, you’ll feel more confident holding the line.
(If you don’t have an agreement, let this be your nudge to create one—even mid-relationship. It’s never too late to set expectations.)
Step 3: Initiate a Calm Conversation
When you’re ready to speak with your nanny, schedule a time. Avoid throwing comments at them during transitions or over text. This is a job, and serious concerns deserve a professional setting.
Here’s a sample script:
“Hey [Name], I wanted to check in before the week starts. I’ve noticed a few things and thought it’d be good to talk them through. We really value the care you give our kids and want to make sure we’re all on the same page.”
Keep your tone neutral and grounded in curiosity, not accusation.
Step 4: Be Clear About What’s Not Working
Share what you’ve observed, using facts over feelings.
Example:
“I noticed [child] has been watching TV in the mornings, and our agreement was no screens before nap. Can you help me understand what’s been happening?”
Listen. Maybe they didn’t realize how seriously you took that rule. Maybe your toddler was having a meltdown and they made a judgment call. You may agree or disagree—but now it’s in the open.
If the behavior is more serious (disrespect, neglect, dishonesty), you can say:
“I’m feeling uncomfortable with a few things that have come up. I want to talk honestly so we can decide together whether this working relationship still feels like a fit.”
Step 5: Give the Opportunity to Correct
If you’d like to keep the nanny but need changes, be specific.
What needs to change?
What’s the timeline?
What are the consequences if it doesn’t improve?
Example:
“Let’s check in again at the end of the week. If screen time continues to be an issue, we’ll need to reevaluate our arrangement.”
Put it in writing. Follow up with a summary email:
“Thanks for chatting today. Just to recap: We agreed that [child] won’t have screens in the morning, and that check-ins will be more consistent. Let’s reassess on Friday and go from there.”
Step 6: Know When to Walk Away
Some behaviors—like yelling, excessive phone use, dishonesty, or inappropriate boundaries—signal a deeper misalignment. And if you’ve addressed the issue more than once with little change, it’s okay to move on.
You are not “firing someone for one bad day.” You’re recognizing a pattern and choosing your family’s peace and safety over loyalty to a mismatched situation.
Give respectful notice where possible, but protect your kids and your home first. Most families in high-stakes careers (especially physicians with zero bandwidth for chaos) find it’s better to act early than wait too long.
What If the Misconduct Was Reported by Your Child?
Take it seriously. Children often share in pieces, and while stories can be exaggerated or incomplete, they’re rarely made up entirely. Try this process:
Stay calm and open.
Ask neutral follow-ups: “What happened next?” “How did you feel when that happened?”
Document what they share.
Cross-reference with what you know. Any cameras? Neighbors? Nanny journal?
Bring it up to your nanny directly. “My child mentioned something that concerned me, and I’d love to hear your perspective.”
If it feels serious or uncomfortable to discuss solo, bring in a third party (partner, agency, mediator).
If You’re Using an Agency
A reputable agency will:
Help mediate issues
Replace your nanny if needed
Support a smooth offboarding process
Many physician families tell us they hesitate to involve the agency out of guilt—but that’s exactly what we’re here for. You're not “getting someone in trouble.” You’re maintaining standards, and that’s what any professional would expect.
Special Considerations for Physician Families
Let’s be honest: physician families run on fumes. You may leave the house before the kids are up. You may be charting at midnight. You may miss cues because you’re emotionally exhausted. That doesn’t mean misconduct is okay.
In fact, your limited capacity is why you need to trust your nanny completely.
Many physician families we’ve worked with say they knew something felt off but avoided the conversation because they didn’t have the energy.
You’re not a bad employer for having boundaries. You’re not overreacting because you want updates, structure, and follow-through.
Red Flags That Require Immediate Action
If you experience any of the following, pause everything and act quickly:
Your child is injured or reports harm
You observe yelling, rough handling, or threats
The nanny is under the influence or excessively distracted
There’s theft or damage to property
The nanny brings unauthorized visitors to your home
This is when you end the relationship on the spot. Document everything. Reach out to your agency, employment lawyer, or legal counsel. Change your locks if needed. Prioritize safety over politeness.
After a Dismissal: Support Your Children
Kids often feel confused, especially if they were attached to the nanny. Keep your explanation age-appropriate:
“We decided [Name] won’t be our nanny anymore because grown-ups have to follow rules to keep kids safe.”
Let them talk. Validate their feelings. And reassure them they are safe and loved.
A Final Word: It’s Okay to Expect Excellence
A nanny isn’t just “help” or a placeholder while you're at work. They’re a formative figure in your child’s life. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Whether it’s minor overstepping or a breach of trust, you’re allowed to address it directly, professionally, and without guilt.
You’re building a home where your children are loved, supported, and safe. That’s always worth protecting.
Credits
This post was informed by real conversations with families, nannies, and caregivers from across the internet, including insights drawn from community forums like r/Nanny, r/Parenting, and Care.com’s caregiver blogs.
